Day 56

The Sugar Free Athlete

Coca Cola have around 650 products in their cannon of work. I wonder what percentage of these contain fructose? I might do the math. Actually, I am now aware that they have been following the blog closely so perhaps someone from the office could leave a comment? I interviewed a scientist in the States who is a paid consultant for Coke (he told me this himself). He believed very strongly that sugar had no ill effects on the body, even when I lifted my shirt.

4 days to go and then I get to see what happens. Will there be tears? Headaches? Tantrums? Or perhaps I will realise that I am better off with sugar in my life? Maybe the point of this film was to show me that I really am more attractive with a bulging tummy, a fatty liver, blood shot eyes, yellow teeth and an all round grumpy demeanour. My child will be proud. Many people ask me about how I am going to cope with the withdrawals, “Oh its going to be tough”. Well I don’t know about that, see I really like the no sugar version of me. I like enjoying wholesome foods that make me feel nourished and I like having control of my palette and having the ability to really taste the nuances of foods and their benefits. The thought of this is enticing. The thought of Just Right is not. I can also safely say that I will never eat low fat flavoured yoghurt again for the rest of my life. In fact our child will be put in a cupboard if the topic is ever raised. “Low Fat Yoghurt” will be regarded as a swear word and hold the same connotation as the ‘C’ word in this household. And by ‘C’ I don’t mean Cereal.

I was so stupid this morning. I woke at 7:30 but pottered around and did a few things and simply forgot to eat. At 9am I couldn’t open the shed door so just kicked it in, I then desperately looked to my lady to blame her for something. Nothing. I snorted a bit from my nostrils and then realised I needed to get my blood sugars heading in the opposite direction. You would think after 55 days I would be all over this stuff, but once again sugar prevails in dumbing down the species.

I entered a cafe and spoke to the shopkeep in a voice that resembled the devil child and burnt a hole in her brain with my laser eyes. She succumbed and fetched a Lemon Lime Iced Tea (8 teaspoons) from the fridge. I poured that sugary nectar onto the burning pits and my devil red soothed to a cooling blue and once again I was a picture of charm and morning efficacy. it was an incredible Jekyll and Hyde moment and my lady just sat there stunned slowly clutching her belly in the hope that the little being inside her was actually human and not the spawn of the creature she had just witnessed. It would have made for a terrific advert for Iced Tea. Such an immediate transition to happiness. “Lemon Iced Tea; soothing the devil in you.”

I also ordered a BLT (2 for the relish) and a decaf coffee with 2 sugars from the same shopkeep. The over compensation of niceness from me was appalling and I think I caught her giving my lady a look of “run fair lady, just run while you can.”  It was either that or “that poor poor child.”

I headed in for a meeting and had a great catch up with the producers of the film to debrief on the States and hatch the next plans. I muscled down another cup of tea with 2 sugars and started to feel normal again.

Lunch was a sausage roll with tomato sauce (4 teaspoons) and an iced coffee drink which accrued another 8 white ones.

I went back to the office and had a magnificent meeting with a very famous AFL footballer who doesn’t eat sugar and is going to be involved with the film. It was great to hear him talk about his level of fitness increasing since stopping sugar and how the club often recommends the players drink Powerade’s before and during the game. He is a picture of health and what a terrific role model for kids who think that those sport drinks are essential to being an elite athlete. I felt so horribly unfit next to him and my belly actually laughed at me. I know the laugh just masked a hurt though, deep down it was incredibly jealous and longed to look like his once more. 4 more days I told it. It didn’t help that I was drinking yet another cup of tea with 2 sugars and actually rested the cup on the head of my belly. Utter humiliation for it.

Finally I reached dinner time and shared a delightful meal that was lovingly prepared. It was parmesan crumbed chicken with an avocado, bean and tomato salad. It was with great sadness that I molested that chicken with Rosella Fruit Chutney. Such disrespect but a skyrocket for the sugar count (11 teaspoons).

I can feel the end is close now and a new era begins. With a new child on the horizon I will be sugar free and sleep free. A combination I can handle. Oh sugar, we have had such memories but its time for you to piss off now and please don’t try any of your sneaky moves on my baby you filthy ‘Low Fat Yoghurt’.

56 complete and only 160 spoons remaining. Woop.